Making relationships work isn’t an easy thing to do. Whether we’re dealing with past wounds, struggling to communicate well, or working through conflict, relationships take effort and work. Healthy Relationships is a three-part series looking at how we can approach the relationships in our lives in healthy and biblical ways.
Scripture gives us five principles for healthy conflict.
1. Approach conflict in a way the other person can hear. (2 Samuel 12.13)
One of the most famous conflict scenes in the Bible occurs in 2 Samuel 12. Israel’s King David has slept with a married woman and then arranged to have her husband killed. The prophet Nathan confronts David over his behavior, but he does so using a story that he knew David—as a former shepherd—would connect with and be able to receive. For us, this can look like approaching the person at a time and in a place that is good for them.
2. Confront with grace. (Ephesians 4.15; Colossians 3.8,12)
How we share our frustration has everything do with how successful we will be in resolving it.
When we reflect gentleness and kindness and compassion, we are more likely to connect with the person we’re engaging with. It’s also important to approach any conflict with humility. We tend to assume our perspective is right instead of acknowledging we have an incomplete view of the situation. Instead of saying things like, “You were wrong when you did ,” we could try, “This how it felt to me. This is what it seemed like to me.”
3. Listen well. (Proverbs 18.13)
When we are on the receiving end of someone sharing an issue they have, it is very important that we listen well. What most of us want to do when we hear someone bring up an issue they have with us is to jump right into defensive response mode. But if we were to first listen well, any of the conflicts we face would be resolved faster and better if the person bringing up the issue felt they were heard. We can test our listening abilities by stating their issue back to them in the same words and conviction that they communicated it to us.
4. Own what you need to own. (James 5.16)
Owning what we need to own can look differently depending on situation. Sometimes we know we screwed up and we need to take responsibility for our offense. Owning our fault doesn’t only happen if we had bad motives and wanted to intentionally hurt the other person. Accidents can still cause pain and must be owned up to.
5. Make things right. (Matthew 5.23-24)
Sometimes owning our part of the conflict isn’t enough. Sometimes we have to take steps to make things right by figuring out what needs to change in order to avoid that kind of pain or hurt in the future.
What if the person we have a conflict with doesn’t handle it this way?
1. We should do our best to live these principles out on our end.
We can’t control how another person will respond, but we can model how they should respond. (Romans 12.17-18)
2. We should remember these conflict principals are hard to live out without some help.
The only way to live out conflict in a life-giving way is when we are first connected to the life-giver. Jesus was humble, Jesus was gentle, Jesus had the character necessary to do conflict well. (Colossians 3.9-11)
Discussion Questions
- Which principle stuck out to you the most? Which one do you need to grow in?
- Why is it so hard to listen well? What other ways can we exercise our listening skills?
- There’s no doubt about it, conflict can be hard. It’s much easier to disengage and avoid it but that may not always be the healthiest route for our relationships. Are there experiences or beliefs in your life that make it hard for you to want to share your concerns and engage in conflict?
- Do you have an example of how a conflict was resolved gracefully? How did witnessing or experiencing that change you?
- Are you in the middle of a conflict right now that you’re struggling to confront or resolve? How can others pray for you?
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